An overwhelming urge to give up accompanied by an idiotic determination not to

So first off there are two things you should know.

1. I’ve had a bad day, and as my posts are written in a stream of consciousness manner and involve little thought, this may seem somewhat negative.

2. Im not looking for encouragement or any form of comforting, I’m just venting.

So today Im feeling a little fed up. It’s as a result of not getting an audition I went for on Monday as well as applications being turned down, having no money that can be spent on doing anything I want to do and a general difficulty in carrying on doing theatre.

Paper People rehearsals are a bit difficult at the minute as we have a looming deadline and the piece we want to make requires people other than just company members being in the rehearsals. Obviously people have said that they want to help, but if there is nothing to be gained by helping us out then there is no real incentive to turn up. I don’t hold it against anyone who has said they can but not actually turned up. I understand, I quite often do the same. Nonetheless, it can be frustrating.

At present I feel like many other people I know that are attempting to do the same sort of things as me are doing much better than I am. The two possible reasons I can see for this are that a) They are working much harder and getting a lot luckier than I am. and b) I’m just not very good.

Whichever it is doesnt really matter, because if I choose to give up I am left with very little. People have suggested, or at least thought very hard, why don’t I just get a proper job? The main reason is, there is no other job that I could do. I have no experience or interest that would allow me to get a proper job. So I’m left running at a brick wall, hoping that it will fall down before my skull explodes.

Vent over. told you it would be negative.

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3 comments

  1. The fact you came back to your arts blog to vent about it shows you still have some *something* left. I know how you feel. I mean, we went through it together. And I’m going through the same thing, but you seem to be doing much more than me at the moment. I do a bit of un-paid work here, but no where near enough to fill me with any form of “yaaaay”.

    I won’t tell you to give up. I won’t tell you not to, either. Both are valid options. But more people do take the former. Most people give up, and I’ve respected you for cracking on with it as much as you have. It’d be a shame, and there aren’t many alternatives. But at least you can rest assured, that in this vast, unending cosmos, you’re probably over the 10,000,000th person to go through this dilemma.

  2. Hang in there son. Keep plugging away at it. To be frank you’re better off trying to do something you love than waste as much energy trying to do something you have no interest in. Even boring jobs are not easy to come by in this day. Stick at it, persevere and in the end you’re sure to break through.

  3. I’m well aware that I am not alone in feeling like this and that countless people have felt like this before, feel like it now and have the wonderful experience of feeling like this to look forward to. Although what I wrote does come across as very negative, what I was meaning to say with it is that despite feeling like this, I’m not going to stop. Partly because I’m not done trying, but also because the decisions I have made mean that, aside from doing this all I have left is bar work, and that’s not overly fulfilling. Still doesnt sound overly positive, but it is really.

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